The author of this article has been divorced herself and gone through countless number of relationships that have not worked, she efinitely knows what mistakes to avoid to make the relationship work.
Below are some of the mistakes she’s made and her clients have made that you should avoid:
1. You ignore issues as a couple. This is probably the worst thing you can do. Sticking your head in the sand around the issues you may have in your relationship is not the way to go.
The unexpressed feelings will slowly but surely start eating away at you, and over a period of time, what seemed like small annoyances will transform into massive resentments. And then before you know it, you’re hating your partner because you cannot put up with it anymore. I know this very well, as I have been there myself. Before my divorce, this is the exact state of denial that led to the demise of our relationship. I did not know how to express how I was feeling and my ex-husband simply didn’t want to hear it. The problem got bigger and bigger, and before we knew it, we stopped trusting one another and the relationship broke down completely.
Instead, deal with issues as they come up. Just like when you clean your home, if you keep dusting away the cobwebs, you will create a consistently clean environment.
2. You don’t work on the relationship. Somehow, we seem to think intimate relationships will run on their own fuel without putting much effort into them. This is simply not true! A relationship needs work — just as a car needs fine-tuning.
At the very least, understand how relationships work; and at the very most, work on yourself and what you bring to the relationship. Healthy and fulfilling relationships happen from the inside out. I made this mistake and paid dearly for it. I kept wanting to change my ex-husband, thinking he was the problem, when in fact, it was me all along! Work on you first; learn about how relationships work and the rest will follow.
3. You don’t learn how to effectively communicate. As I’ve already mentioned, good communication is one of the cornerstones of creating a fulfilling relationship. However, there’s a right way to fight and a wrong way to fight. Resorting to “blame and shame” tactics will destroy any trust you’ve built and while it’s a normal defense mechanism, all it does is result in the attacked spouse shutting down.
In my first marriage, I used this tactic all the time, which only caused heartache and disconnection. Learn to communicate clearly, listen intently and give yourself the time and space to do so safely. If not, divorce will be imminent.